I keep meaning to post on Thursdays or Fridays, and I always remember those days, but I think to myself, "I'll do it tonight." And then I forget. So here is my second super-late post.

I stalled this week with my work, which is not good, as anyone who has stalled their car in the middle of an intersection or the highway can attest. Things were going pretty well. I was working and reworking my introduction to death, and finally tried to move on to the body of my paper, but I got about a page in before I realized I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. You see, I'm still not super confident about my argument as a whole. I'm not an authority on Emily Dickinson. I've read a number of articles and book chapters. I can't be sure no one has made my argument before. And I'm even more afraid my argument isn't answering the "so what?" the way it should. If you asked me "so what?" I'm not sure I could answer it in less than 5 pages, if at all. What if I write this thing, and then someone asks "why didn't you mention the work of so-and-so, it really would have made things more concrete" or whatever. Stalled.

The more immediate problem I'm having is I'm supposed to have a beta-version of this paper done by next Saturday to present at a conference. The thesis I have a ways left to work on, I'm less worried about that. I can make crap up, I know, and probably I won't have to answer any questions. Maybe one or two obvious ones. I can speak the circuitous scholarly dialect where I fill long sentences with big words, and drop one or two big names, and make some vague references to history. That would probably get me through. But I kind of feel like that's all I've ever done, is make an argument SEEM important. I want to actually have an argument, the importance of which is clear and on the surface. Something everyone, even someone who has never read Dickinson, can grasp. Something my parents can read and say, huh, that kid actually is contributing, go figure. It's the kind of argument I read all the time, the kind of book or article I walk away from and think "My God, that is freaking brilliant..." I think my argument matters, but I'm not confident in my abilities to make it matter to other people. That's really what scares me. Because I can make a pretty strong case, I think. I have my thoughts organized. I can support my claims. But at this point, I expect people would walk away and totally forget about it. "It might be a good argument, but why should I care?"

That's what I keep trying to improve on, rather than writing the damn paper... Am I doing it backwards?

Coming Along

Last class was sort of an eye-opener for me. I've been working on this paper for a while, so I thought I had the "introduction" assignment figured out. I didn't bother looking at the syllabus because I thought I was good to go. So then I showed up with only a copy to turn in, and that was embarrassing. And disappointing, because I would have appreciated everyone's feedback.

But Dr. Christie's feedback was really valuable. Honestly, I was expecting he'd hand it back and say "This is perfect!" But he showed me where I was weak, and it was helpful. It also brought me back down to earth. I've got a good bit of improving to do, especially where "Stating the Problem" and the "So What" question are concerned. I need to state the problem more clearly, and tell the reader why they are supposed to give a crap. (My words, not his.)

This weekend my wife and daughter left to visit family in South Carolina, so I was freakishly productive. I have tightened the scope of my argument, and gathered several more critical sources that will be helpful to me. I went back, starting from scratch. I made an outline of the paper I would LIKE to write, of where I'd like to take it. It helped me to focus on what I'm missing, where I can improve. It also made it easier for me to re-structure the introduction in a more cogent and cohesive way. My writing process might be backwards, but I'm never confident enough in my argument to BEGIN with an outline. I usually have to write a crappy paper, see what comes out of it, write an introduction, go back and write an outline, re-write the introduction and then actually start the process of writing the paper. It also makes it easier for me to do research, if I have a clear understanding of what I want to accomplish.

Calling an Audible (and other stupid football metaphors)

I simultaneously made progress and took about 10 steps backwards, all in the same decision. I saw the defense was gonna blitz... and I called an audible.

For the last 4 months I've been working my way slowly but surely through the works of Adrienne Rich (on whom I would probably bet to win the imaginary reality show "America's Top Literary Stars"... or runner-up, in any case). It's been a long process, as she is extremely prolific. I've also been reading up on as much literary criticism as possible. All this with the intention of writing my thesis on her.

Well, long story short, I just can't justify it anymore. Up until the annotated bibliography assignment, I didn't even have something specific to focus on. I asked a professor I've worked with in the past to be my advisor, and he turned me down. That got me thinking. This project I want to do is going to take a lot of time. A lot more than let's say if I decided to pick up from a paper I've already written and expand it.

I have this paper I worked on over the summer, the one on Emily Dickinson I've mentioned a few times. I'll be presenting it at a conference next month, on the panel of the professor for whom I wrote the paper. Natural advisor there. (Haven't asked yet.) The work is halfway done for me.

So I've sold out. I feel good about it, though. Adrienne Rich is heavily influenced by Dickinson, so the more I learn about one, the more I'll learn about the other. The critics who are known for doing work on Rich (Albert Gelpi, Helen Vendler) also are known for their work on Dickinson. So this feels like a smart move and a smooth one. Eventually I will write something about Rich. But I know myself, and the stress that such a project-from-scratch would produce in me would negatively affect the project itself.

Annotated Bibliography

The hardest part of the annotated bibliography assignment was narrowing my focus enough to pinpoint a critical conversation from which to draw sources. I was reading some of Adrienne Rich's poetry when I came across a particular poem that struck me. I just decided to take that spark and run with it. It was a love poem. I can't actually remember which one it was, but it wasn't a "traditional" love poem where the speaker describes the beloved or uses over-the-top Petrarchan metaphors. It was simultaneously tragic, political, sentimental and hopeful. So I, at least for the purposes of an annotated bibliography, to go somewhere in that direction.

It was surprisingly easy to gather information on the subject. In fact it might be probably the first time I've ever stumbled across such a cohesive collection of criticism about my very subject. I found about 15 books and journal articles, and after going through all of Rich's work, settled on probably 5-6 collections of poetry and essays from which I will draw conclusions. It was fantastically stress-free. So check that off.

My next challenge was in finding the time to read everything. Obviously I failed at that. But I read enough to get a taste of the conversation. It's a body of criticism that is specific enough to my interest, but also extensive enough that I feel a bit intimidated by the task I have of contributing something "original," even if it is the small "o" kind.

Overall, it was a great assignment. Even if I shift my exact topic to be about something else, I learned more about Adrienne Rich as a writer, and more about how "love" as a subject is interconnected with nearly everything else she writes about in her poetry.

Proposal Guidelines

According to the Georgia State "MA Thesis Proposal Guidelines" distributed via mass email today by the Assistant Graduate Coordinator (or whatever her title is), our proposals should contain the following 5 criteria in order to be considered successful:

1. An extensive description of the topic.

2. A working thesis (liable to change).

3. An outline of structure (chapters, sections, etc.).

4. Discuss the existing secondary material.

5. An extensive working bibliography.

This seems reasonable. But somehow the tangible-ness (not a word, but I'm too tired and lazy to think of a real one) of this list forces me to reflect on my current state. And if you don't mind, I'm going to use this post as an opportunity to indulge in some self-interrogation. (This is going to be needlessly dramatic, I promise.)

I'm at a crossroads (ok, drama over). I've been trying to get some traction on my desire to do something on Adrienne Rich. I have a list of "themes" from which I could possibly narrow into a respectable topic. I've been reading criticism on her. I even emailed (whom I believe to be) the leading Rich scholar, Albert Gelpi, formally of Stanford, over the summer just to tell him how cool I think he is, and also ask how to pronounce his last name. And he emailed me back. (It's a hard 'G'.) This doesn't get me anywhere near a thesis proposal though.

On the other hand, my hard drive is full of papers I've written for classes, going all the way back to 2006. Papers I've presented at conferences. Papers I could use as a springboard for something bigger. And the hard work is done for me. I have an argument, at least somewhere to start. You get it.

I feel guilty not starting from scratch. But should I? No one cares, I know that. But I care. I don't know if I'll get into a PhD program, so this could be it for me. I want it to be awesome. I want to be proud of it, I don't want to look back and just remember taking a short cut. It would be so much easier to write. But I'm not sure whether starting from scratch will be that much more rewarding...

Clockwork Muse

I've tried observing my writing proclivities yesterday and today, and it's helped me to at least be more cognizant of my habits and tendencies. When I learned class was cancelled on Wednesday, I went to Barnes & Noble to work on the paper I plan on using for my PhD application writing sample. (So granted these were a couple of "re-writing" sessions, and I'm afraid I just can't bring myself to actually start from scratch, at least not yet.) Anyway, it was very helpful, both in terms of recognizing the stages of my process, and in improving the paper significantly.

Usually for my warm-up I go straight to ESPN to agonize over how close the Braves are to blowing the wild-card, or Hulu to watch an episode of the Daily Show. If I'm being completely honest. I think it helped for me to be away from home, I got right down to work. For the warm-up, I started reading the first couple pages of my paper. I was only a couple minutes in when I had an epiphany. My writing binge lasted a couple hours, and I paid more attention to my state of mind as my energy and mental capacity tapered off. I ended my session with 2 or 3 specific uncompleted tasks that I could pick up the next day. I felt good after, rather than drained. And I was excited to keep working the next day. I think that was a key piece of advice for me, to end when I'm on my high.

Thank you, Dr. Christie, for that. I think it is going to make a big difference for me.

On the Subject of My Thesiss

I have formally decided to base my thesis on the poetry (and/or essays) of Adrienne Rich (having just spent a good deal of money on those volumes I was lacking), primarily for two reasons:

1. I love her stuff. I have been reading her for several months now, and feel I have properly acquainted myself with her work, her life, her politics. I also have read several articles about her, and consequently become familiar with the major players in "Adrienne Rich studies," if I can call it that. I do not want to have to go through this process again with another writer.

2. Adrienne Rich is a unique subject in that I am provided several scholarly doors to choose from. If I were to write my thesis on John Steinbeck, for instance, I would show competence in just one or two areas of scholarship (Early 20th C. American Lit, for example). With Rich, the possibilities are essentially endless (as far as my own interests are concerned): Gender Studies, Sexuality Studies/Queer Theory, Jewish-American Lit, Late 20th Century American Lit, even Holocaust Lit/Trauma Studies, etc. I can show I have a background in any one of these areas. And while she is a well-known literary figure, she is not necessarily a popular scholarly subject.

Epiphany of the week: All the stress I'm bringing to this long-term project is counterproductive at this point. I mean, this is supposed to be the fun part, right? Right now the possibilities are endless. I need to relish it. As I continue to read, I can plan and organize according to the principles of The Craft of Research. I don't need to have an exact idea of what I'm going to do. My ideas will inevitably evolve into something completely different, anyhow.

Right now my biggest concern is becoming better acquainted with the works of Adrienne Rich. I'm reading "The Sounds of Poetry" by Robert Pinsky to help me see and hear more deeply into the sounds and structure of the poems. I also plan on memorizing a few of my favorites.